Suicide

I'm writing this for really anyone I personally know
But I guess it's mostly for those I go to school with

(This note is mostly for the girlies I know. Sorry, guys, you'd require a whole new note)

I'm writing this because I want you to know who I am..and I would really appreciate some feedback. This note is what I've been wanting to say out loud - but never found the courage or the right time.

I know I'm quiet and not very open, and may even seem rude at times. I'm sorry. The truth is, I'm terrified. I often see how close you are to one another or how you guys can talk or whatever (often little tings) and I get extremely jealous. "I remember having a friend like that once." "I want that kind of relationship." "I wish I could be that way."...but then I think that if I try to be a part of your relationships, I'll impose and ruin things. Then I close myself off - hoping that if you really wanted me, maybe I wouldn't ruin things. If I close myself off, you'll come and get me. I know how wrong this is - expecting you to read my mind and come pull me out of my self-pity. I need to get out of my home-made coffin, my "safe haven" and actually put out effort....
This is my attempt.

It is very hard for me to dislike someone. (However, many guys I know right now kind of are-sorry-nothing personal, you're just of the male species :P) If I push you away, it's usually just because I'm afraid I'll hurt you, or because I think you're talking to me just to be nice (you know-you have to include everyone....) I often push away to see if you're willing to "put up a fight" for me. To see if you really care. I'm really tring to break this. And right now I'm epically failing. I need help.
I guess what I'm is: I love you all. I'm just afraid I'm not good enough for you.

I'm entralled with all of you (people in general amaze me) and I don't want to push you away.

One thing that would really help me in my "quest for friendship" (haha?) is I would really appreciate it if you told me if you would rather me leave you alone (I don't care if you hate me - I only fear I'm hurting/annoying you) or if you'd like to be friends, or.......
I need to know what you want from me. I need to know what I can to reach out-to stop being so complacent. I need to know how to not hurt you-whether that means you would like me to say hi or even hug you when you walk in the room, whether that means you just want to hang out, I don't know..lol. I'm willing to do anything. I just need to know

I'm sick of the self-absorbed me-I need to die.

Help?

(ugh, I know this sounds really cheesy and I'm sorry-not really sure what else to do)